Seconds.

I see the seconds 

Coming up through the pages.

I'm not as lucky. 

Struggling with one, 

We can't even get to first

I simply don't know. 

How will we get there?

We try and we try and try. 

What if it's a fail? 

This first, to start with,

Maybe it's not meant for me 

So what can I do? 

How can I feel right

about this life meant for me -

Minus just the one. 

It feels like most have 

One, even two. None for us. 

An empty hollow. 

The second feels like a slap, when I can't even get to a first. 

Again.

It begins to show

Somewhere, sometime, halfway through

Tell-tales of failure 

Soon it will be red

An end, but a beginning

One more chance to try

It is tiring 

timing, trying, testing; me

Empty truths all round. 

Synonyms I know.

Top

Sky

High 

First 

Peak

Above

Everest

Highest

Positive 

Increased 

This morning was a peak, high, I didn't think I'd see. 

And now, I feel the hope. It's blurry future, a mirage in front of me.

Will it eventuate into anything? 

Will it lead to a life, flickering? 

It could be wonderful, initially. 

It would be wonderful, sustainably. 

But it could all come crashing down. 

Quickly, swiftly, extensively. 

The pain, the fear; creeps in unknowing, without a sound. 

Manifesting itself into a loop. 

Of disappointment, then possibilities, then hope. 

A cycle; vicious, complex, menstrual. 

Spelling list of feels

Underwhelmed 

Frustration

Impatient

Unlucky 

Relieved 

Occasionally

Conflicted 

Exhausted

Overwhelming 

Troubled

Anticipating

Misguided 

Lacking 

Jealousy

Longing 

Solitude

Confusion 

Indecisiveness 

Artificial  

Pressure 

Doubt

Peace 

Hope

Comfort

Distortion

Hopelessness 

Skewed 

Perception 

Perspective 

Eventuate

Finality 

Discord

Acceptance 

Joy. 

In the middle.

It's been another cycle

The unknown, uncertain, replaces failure. 

We try, a shot in the dark.

Unpredictable release 

Mild anxieties dancing within a waiting game 

A 28, 29, 30, 31 day cycle 

Somewhere in the middle, 

something is supposed to happen. 

Those sticks, those double lines 

Those flashing smiley faces. 

The limited highs, the increasing lows. 

It's not even for the miracle we hope. 

All this just to see if the vessel is at its peak. 

Even if it is,

There's no guarantee. 

We rise. Or we fall. 

Somewhere in the middle. 

How to?

It is hard some days, 

To figure out what to say.

Unfulfilled and tired.

I guess I should pray

For what remains uncertain.

To relieve my heart

My mind is there too.

Asking for some assurance

Is this the right way?

Picking and choosing

These words very carefully

Is therapeutic.

Dear lord, give me strength

To overcome these hardships

So my soul may ease.

Help with decisions

That I may struggle to make,

I pray to you, Lord.

Grant me the spirit

to achieve important things

In our lives right now.

It is you and me,

Always in this together.

You know what I need.

This trust and prayers

Are offered to you, with hope. 

Possibility. 

I will be okay

And I hope we will be too.

Whatever may come.

The first prayer

Dear being greater than I,

I have written many words in place of these ones here. But each time I have deleted it. Because it feels contrived. Like maybe I don't really mean it, or maybe I don't know what I am praying for. 

I do know what I want to pray for. 

But I also know praying for it feels like I'm wishing for something that may not happen. 

Are wishes prayers? Are prayers wishes? 

Are they interchangeable? 

I pray for happiness. At my core. In my core. 

Finding happiness in small things, in big things, in fleeting moments, in difficulties and in challenges. 

Is being content the same as being happy? I used to think one was not as good as the other. 

But maybe those two things are interchangeable too. 

I haven't prayed in awhile. 

Dear being greater than I, 

This is my first prayer.